Friday, February 18, 2011
I realized this morning that I still have not blogged about the most recent News! We have a bun in the oven! Baby #2 is due September 21, 2011. So far, pregnancy has been a breeze compared to my time pregnant with YumYum. I have been tired, but honestly, who isn’t? The only other pregnancy symptom is swollen feet. I didn’t even have swollen feet with YumYum! I’ve been less hungry, but not nauseous – thank you Jesus! It’s truly been such a different experience so far. My guess was that we were having twin boys, but the first ultrasound showed only one beautiful heartbeat. The image was fuzzy, they suspected because I was one week less far along than they thought, but they will double check to make sure everything is okay on our next appointment on the fourth of March.
Here’s the video I asked my girlfriend to take when I told Scooby Doo that we were expecting:
I have thought about getting into birth photography and even created a little flyer. I would absolutely love it, and especially since photographers are a dime a dozen, birth photography is something a bit more specialized and private. I would so enjoy it, but because it is such an intimate experience, it’ll be hard to start off and build a clientel. Or at least, that’s what I’ve encountered so far. Additionally, the logistics of doing that while I have a full time job seem difficult. I’d be willing to get up in the middle of the night for the women’s last hour of labor, but what happens when its during the day. I’d have to leave work? I want to be a faithful empoloyee.
Again, God knows my heart. I’ve asked a friend to help me design a website, and through prayers, perhaps this is a busienss I can break into, so I can eventually stay home with my babies.
That’s right… babies…. We are going to have two beautiful babies…. Thank you Jesus.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
When YumYum was born she was so sick. The poor girl cried 24/7. It broke my heart into more pieces than one could imagine. Her cries, coupled with my debilitating post-partum depression, a lack of sleep, breast feeding problems, and recovering from an emergency, painful cesarean delivery – I was in no shape to be a Mom. But I was. I was the best Mom I knew how. And I was a great New Mom. I got help for my post-partum, getting counseling and enrolling in an intensive 6-week class at Kaiser. I gave my concerns about not being able to breastfeed to God, and he heard me. Scooby Doo constantly comforted and supported me. Family stepped in and made us meals, and we graciously accepted. I wasn’t comfortable with being the one being comforted. But that’s what I was, that’s what we were.
No wonder I didn’t want to be a stay-at-home Mom anymore.
I wanted to be praised for my professionalism and eye for detail, not spit up on with sticky, foul, regurgitated milk. It’s so hard to write this now, because I truly loved no one else in this world like her, but loving her hurt so bad.
Now I want nothing more that diapers and spit-up, giggles and laughs, dirty diapers and diaper genies, over-tired baby girl and laundry… at this exact moment there’s nothing more that I want except to be a Mom. The beginning was incredibly challenging. Scratch that. It was hard. It was downright, dirty, messy, uncoordinated, unorganized, chaos. But now I have all these emotions running pumping through my body screaming that’s what you’re made for!!!
I love working and having a job. Earning income for the family and contributing to society. Utilizing my intelligence and my education in a productive, influential way. But I love being a Mom. I love playing peek-a-boo and chasing after her as she speed-crawls away. How can you say “no” to that? I love her big toothy grin, her good morning stretches, the way she perfectly cuddles me and I her….
So I come to prayer, because now, I have a job at a school, working less than 2 miles from home, and loving the people. YumYum and I both get insurance through my work ($1000+ if we get added to Scooby Doo’s), and my income pays for rent and childcare, and the rest goes to savings. I’m pregnant with our second, and there’s nothing more that I want except to be with my kids. I want to be a sleep-deprived, kid-connected, where’s my sunglasses- oh they’re on my head, loosing-my-mind kind of Mom. There’s nothing more important to me. But how much more would YumYum sacrifice? How much more would Scooby Doo & I sacrifice? Would he be work a night job, and never be home? No- I wouldn’t be okay with him not being a part of our children’s lives. Would I work from home? No, I don’t want to have my attention divided. Being a Mom is working at home. Could I work part-time? Yes, but normally you don’t get benefits, and the money barley covers gas and a quarter the bills. We could cut all electronics, and live in an apartment for the rest of our lives. We could raise our family in our 1000 sq. ft. home, 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment with our 2 kids and dog. But that’s not the kind of lifestyle I want for my kids. I want them to be able to have sleepovers, and have room to run around! I want them to have a backyard to play at, and a home to be proud of. I want to be able to go on family trips, or go on a cruise someday with Scooby Doo. I want to go camping, to Disneyland, to visit family in the Bay, to fly to see my girlfriend in Colorado; if I didn’t work, that would be the sacrifice.
I know how great it would be to be there for our kids, as a stay-at-home Mom. But it’s not like YumYum and Baby #2 will be messed up. My Mom had to work, to provide for us, and she did an amazing job- in her career, and as a mother. And I so appreciate those tough decisions that she had to make, to ensure that we had a great, fun, life. There are so many benefits for your kids for being a stay-at-home Mom, but again… what’s the tradeoff for your kids, your marriage? I think I know the answer to these questions, but the finances don’t compute.
One thing Christ has showed me in this whole losing-your-mind rollercoaster of being a Mom, is that nothing, absolutely nothing, is black and white – except for your love for your kids. And God doesn’t do ultimatums. J It’s not choice A or choice B – it’s God here’s our lives and here’s our hearts. It’s communion and ketchup for dinner, Lord you know I can’t cook and we don’t have groceries. It’s Walter if you eat one more onesie! It’s Scooby Doo can you help me with this diaper? It’s oh. My. Gosh. It’s Look Look! You blink, and something changes. It may be black or white, but it never stays that way long enough to see it.
God you know my heart. You know our lives. Please “do your God thing”. We love you, Amen.
Monday, February 7, 2011
I don’t think I was 20 yet, and I had gone to the gym, as was my routine. I stepped into my Oldsmobile, a car my grandparents had graciously given to me as my first car. It was a tank, but I loved it. The leather seats and automatic/adjustable everything… I treasured it. There was a time I thought about “pimpin” it. But mostly it was just to get a chuckle. I turned on 103.9 and I put my car in reverse to back up, then drive to move forward. I drove past the gym, towards the exit by the bank. I glanced to my right as I was approaching the intersection and before I could compute any thought, a royal blue mini-van smashed into the passenger side of my vehicle going 45mph. He said he didn’t have time to brake.
It was three months of healing for me. A broken car, now totaled, but no broken bones. I had whiplash- which I thought at the time was worse. I still do. Because I turned my head to the right at the exact moment the car hit me, my neck and back were really messed up. At the time, I wasn’t in the habit of putting my seatbelt on in the parking lot, and would normally do it as I was leaving a place (but always wore it….) … just not while I was in the parking lot.
He said he was sorry and I called my Dad. Just a mile from my parents house, my Dad came and took care of everything. I spent the next few months of that summer in bed, resting. I would go out and about once in a while, but everything hurt so bad. I couldn’t work. I ended up getting a pain & sufferance compensation, but it wasn’t worth anything to me.
Every winter, normally my back, and sometimes my neck, acts up. When I was really in-shape, it didn’t affect me too much. When I was pregnant with YumYum, that was the first thing I noticed was the back pain. During my pregnancy with her the doctors realized I had a tilted uterus, and that explained by constant back pain when I was on my period – but it was nothing like being pregnant. Since pregnant with Baby #2, I threw out both my neck and my back. I had never thrown out my neck before. The pain was incredible. This time when I threw out my back a few weeks later, I went to my chiropractor the same day. I couldn’t afford to miss more than just that one day of work, and it was a Friday- so I had the weekend to rest. I didn’t think he would be able to do anything since I was so tight, but it helped so much. About a week later, the same spot starting spasming again, so this time Scooby Doo & I went together and we both got adjusted. He has been meaning to go for quite some time now. It helped, and its now been five days, and my back is sore.
I know I’m out of shape, and as my tummy continues to grow I will continue to have terrible posture and compensate for the weight in ways that I shouldn’t. So there-in lies my struggle lately. My back. Massages are great, but they’re expensive. Heat & baths can comfort immensely, and ice helps the spasiming, but I need to do something for the problem rather than just the symptoms. My biological father ended his career early because of a back injury, and I wonder if he had a lot of back problems before that. I don’t know. But I don’t want to constantly be out of commission because of throwing my back out. It scares YumYum, and Scooby Doo has to work triple time taking care of me and YumYum and the house…. So I need to work out. To bike, to walk, to something.
Any other suggestions? Exercises? Thanks for being my sounding board. I’ve been stretching, and I’m thinking about doing some more yoga again.