Thursday, May 19, 2011

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Someone told me today that if you don’t set your heart on your dreams, even if they’re in the far distance, they’ll disappear.

If you could do anything what would you do? No one had asked me this question since I was graduating college. I think the people who did ask me that got used to my answer changing dramatically from one spectrum to the next.

While Scooby Doo & I were dating, I made a list in our journal of possible careers that I would enjoy. Here is what I wrote:

  • Astronaut
  • Art Curator
  • Old Testament Professor, Christian University
  • Archeologist
  • Rock Collector
  • Ballet Dancer
  • Elementary School Teacher
  • CHP Motorcycle Cop
  • DJ
  • Photographer - especially of weddings and children
  • Meteor Specialist
  • Marriage & Family Therapist
  • Sociologist
  • Genealogist
  • Marine Biologist
  • Composer
  • Musician (flute), specializing in work with the primary grades in the local school systems, as well as participating in a jazz group.
  • Any job without a desk where I get to be outside.
  • Christian Youth Summer Camp Director, or any kind of science/environmental awareness/nature camp
  • Youth Pastor
  • Women’s Pastor over high school & junior high
After I had YumYum, one of my good friends, Melody, asked me what I enjoyed doing when I told her that I felt like I was losing myself. I said being with YumYum, bathing her, talking to her, singing to her…. She said it can’t involve YumYum. The only thing I could come up with was YumYum. Granted I was plagued with an awful sickness at the time (PPD), but when someone asked me today if I could do anything down the road, what would I do,… I felt the punch in the gut and tears being held back at the same time. Have I really gotten that far?

I have a beautiful family whom I love so much, a house that I adore…. I don’t just like my life- I LOVE IT. The joy that I get from being Scooby Doo’s wife and YumYum’s Mom, and a daughter and a sister are simply priceless. Then why is it that I felt so lost when asked that question? I think perhaps because the majority of my current identities are intertwined with the relationship of someone else. All of who I am is someone’s mom, wife, sister, daughter…. You take all of that away, and it gets scary quiet.

So this is my attempt to remember who I am, by myself. Who has God made me to be? I don’t want to lose that. Especially going into having another baby, I remember how lost I felt after YumYum. I felt like a human boob, helpless, and weak. Looking back that was the time in my life that I’ve leaned on God the most, and realized just how much stronger He was than what I thought.

I would love to study a bazillion different subjects. I would love to know everything there is to know. Because that’s not possible, that makes it even more fun, because I love to learn, and to live a life full of learning- I can’t think of something more fun. I love studying the Old Testament and archeology, the proof, the truth, and how the New Testament makes it all wholly truthful. I would love to teach it, because I think I would be dynamic. I’m more introverted than extroverted, which is the exact opposite of how I was in high school and even some of college. I’m not as spontaneous as I used to be, or perhaps now I’m just too tired. I still enjoy doing spontaneous trips, but more so I love laying in bed on a Saturday morning playing solitaire or reading a well-worn book.

I HATE being put on the spot. I HATE being the center of attention. I love giving insight to people in areas that they need encouragement, and especially am brought joy when I see they are encouraged and touched. I love leading and organizing and being in-charge, but I also relish the times I get to be a follower, and just part of the crowd, not in charge of something. I hate baby showers. I think it’s fun having everybody together, but dread the games. I hate baby shower games. Bachelorette parties wear me out, and even at my own bachelorette party, I think we were done by 9:30.

I miss my body before baby, and unless I have surgery, some things just won’t be the same regardless of how often I work out. I often set my expectations too high, so high, that somebody else has to call me on it. I think it’s ridiculous and irrational when other people do the same thing. I take medicine for depression, and am on the highest dose possible of Prozac. I’ve been on it for a few years now, and still hate the fact that I have to take medicine to feel normal. I give it to God in hopes that someday, I won’t need it anymore. Yes I know it’s a chemical deficiency and yes I know it runs in my blood and that I’m the perfect candidate for medicine since exercise, eating well, and sleep still only help so much. I just hate that I have to, and that probably won’t change.

I will ALWAYS get bored in a job after a year. I hit my one year mark and I’m done. Unfortunately, as of late, that mark has shortened. It stinks because I could be in a perfectly great job, and when I get it (every time, regardless of the job), I think this is the one that I’ll fall in love with and not mind working the rest of my life as. But I will never wrap my head around the idea of working to live, even though it’s not as bad as living to work. I can’t imagine how everyone is okay with the 8-5, Monday – Friday until you’re 65 plan! I can’t imagine that kind of a life. I assumed I would be a stay at home Mom. It never crossed my mind that I would have to work. I just thought- when you have kids, I would choose to stay home for the first five years, and then go back to work part-time, that way I could still drop them off at school and be home when they came home. I never thought there would be this underlying tension of having to work, or wanting to work and wanting to be at home at the same time.

I am praying Smiles (my son) will nurse well. With having mastitis twice with YumYum, coupled with her allergies and colic-like temperament, nursing was a challenge when we did. I loved the intimacy I shared with her, and immensely cherish those memories. If only I could have that again with her. There are other ways to bond, I know, but for me- those quiet 2AM mornings of nursing her back to sleep in the rocking chair, praying for her, falling asleep myself with her cuddling in the crevasse in my arm and against my body- there is nothing like those moments.

I NEVER thought I would own a small, typically "yappy" dog. I always said as soon as I graduate college and have my own place, I’m getting a golden retriever. A puppy- that I train and grow up. I never thought I’d get a Bob.

I do athletic things, and enjoy being called or labeled athletic, but I am far from it. I love taking walking trails and biking long distances. I did do a triathlon while Scooby Doo & I were dating, and I’ve done several 5ks. I was the last one in my age group to finish in the triathalon since I walked some of the trail near the end. But I finished, and I was so proud of myself. I love to kayak. I wish I was more athletic because I think I would really enjoy team sports such as softball or bowling. I tried to get a bowling team together for the local league, but schedules were too busy to get a group. I really do enjoy sports though. And watching them.

I’m rambling now… but just in case I forget a little bit about who I am, I can come back to this blog and remember, yes, you are a daughter of Christ- and this is who He made you to be.

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