Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Ramblings of a Non-Stay-At-Home Mom

How is it possible to be with your kids when they’re growing up, and at the same time, give them the life that you want them to have? Scooby Doo & I are both a part of YumYum's life, and we will both be a part of Smiles'. We are far past making sacrifices. If I stay at home full time, and don’t earn anything, Scooby Doo would have to get a second job working nights and weekends. I am so grateful that I married Scooby Doo, and I am so grateful that he has a career that he loves. We’ve said a thousand times that he could easily switch careers and make more money, but he does what he loves and it makes him happy. This is priceless.

God I feel discouraged and I’m wondering what direction you want me to go. I know you place the desires in our heart for a reason, but God I can’t figure this one out. I don’t understand why I have such a desire for something that doesn’t seem possible. Is my desire an expectation that I had placed on myself when I was younger- the desire to be a stay at home Mom until my kids started school, and then to get a job where I was home by the time they got home? Or is this something more? I know you wired me to be a Mom. I have many friends that are depleting savings accounts, moving into smaller homes, and cutting back to the essentials. Even then, normally one parent works 2 jobs and the other is at  home all the time. I don’t want that God. I want Scooby Doo & I both to be a part of our kids’ lives. Why can’t I stay at home during the day, and Scooby Doo go to work, and then we come home and have the weekends and nights together?

I’ve thought about going back to school to get my credential, and I’m sure I would love it but all of my nagging fears and insecurities come back: I barley passed the CBEST, which is supposed to be a breeze to pass, I don’t feel very smart (I wasn’t an A/B student because I was smart… I worked my tush off to get a B-), I wonder if I put my family through the debt of another program and me being unavailable (even if it was a night program) if I would change my mind in 2 years like I do every other job. I couldn’t put my family through that. I couldn’t put myself through that embarrassment of switching careers again, even though I know that’s how God made me darn it! I hate it! I always wanted to be the woman who was recognized for working in a career for 60 years and then retiring. Being the old Grandma of the place. God distinctly told me on a missions trip in High School, 007, you will not be that girl. I have given you an adventurous spirit and you will work in many different fields doing different things. Take heart, I have made you this way.

I know that at the end of September I will have worked at WJU for one year, and I will be eligiable for free tuition. I’ve thought about doing the teaching credential program. Why not? I don’t know how I would do the second semester (student teaching) while working. And I would want to get my single subject, so I would need to take a class or two at Sac State since WJU only offers multiple subject. I know I would love it. But God -

God I’m not taking heart.

I want to LOVE my job to where it fills me up at the end of the day. Scooby Doo & I agree that I don’t think that is ever possible. It’s not negative- it’s just a matter of fact that your job isn’t supposed to be the only thing to bring you joy. I guess I just expected to fall into a career, and LOVE it, then come home and LOVE it, and just LOVE everything. The idea of working at the same place, going to work everyday Monday through Friday, 8-5, until you die- YUCK! Why can everybody do this but me! Why does no one else have as a hard of a time? Why can’t I find a career that just fits, that I’m good at, that pays well, that allows me to be the Mom I want to be? Woe is me.

Okay. Done feeling sorry for myself. Just wanting to be at home with my kids. And I want to raise my kids with my husband because he is an amazing man that I NEED my kids to learn from and be around. Even if I were to get my credential, then the next five years when I was at home with the kids, how would we make ends meet? It’d be a great job to have (being a teacher) once the kids were in school. But do I just pray Lord that you take this desire to be with my kids in the beginning away? I know we’re young- we’ve had so many people tell us this. But I feel like so much of the future is already decided by natural selection.


  1. Beloved,

    First – most of us feel what you describe, we just aren’t honest enough to speak it out. Bless you for your transparency. Your heart aches because it knows you were created for more than this….God is a good God and He is faithful and it is not lost on Him that you are serving now, giving of what is precious to you for Him. I have seen God move mightily in my life and I know it is because I have been willing to do out of obedience when I could not do out of joy…..God has placed a calling in your heart and that’s why your spirit aches because it longs to step into that calling. But it’s God’s timing not ours – trite though it may be – that is the case….that’s usually the hardest part for me. I know he’s faithful, I trust He’s working upstream, but in the meantime I feel like I am drowning…..that each day a little part of me dies and my dreams ebb farther and farther into the future while I remain firmly planted on the shore. I hate that. I hate missing out on the little parts of my girls’ lives. I know they will not remember the times I missed an event or couldn’t be with them. Instead they will remember how present I was when I was with them. They will remember that I fought for them, cried over them, prayed for them. The rest God will erase as years pass. What you sow today you sow for all 4 of you and all of you will reap that harvest.

    I have no answers for you; no great words of wisdom…..I can only offer to you that I get it. I know what you feel and every feeling is valid and painful and hard. I think this is why Jesus told us to stay in the moment Matthew 6:34…..

    I do believe that the destiny God has for you is in direct proportion to the anguish you feel when you are not walking in it. Imagine what it will feel like when you can step into that stream…..I have done it briefly when I am counseling and when you are in it you feel so right with the world…..

    Honored to call you friend!

  2. I randomly came across your blog from the Top Mommy Blogs website, and I'm so glad that I did!

    I want you to know that you're not alone in a lot of the feelings that you're feeling. I know this might not be comforting to you, but for me, it was nice to read the things that I am feeling from someone else!

    Have a wonderful day! :)

  3. big hugs friend! Its hard. I feel the same things a lot. We should get together and have a nice chat.

  4. Oh my goodness, I can SO relate! I've had so many days that I feel just like this! It is such a struggle, but we have to believe that we are on the path God has laid out for us. Wow, thanks for sharing :)