How is it possible to be with your kids when they’re growing up, and at the same time, give them the life that you want them to have? Scooby Doo & I are both a part of YumYum's life, and we will both be a part of Smiles'. We are far past making sacrifices. If I stay at home full time, and don’t earn anything, Scooby Doo would have to get a second job working nights and weekends. I am so grateful that I married Scooby Doo, and I am so grateful that he has a career that he loves. We’ve said a thousand times that he could easily switch careers and make more money, but he does what he loves and it makes him happy. This is priceless.
God I feel discouraged and I’m wondering what direction you want me to go. I know you place the desires in our heart for a reason, but God I can’t figure this one out. I don’t understand why I have such a desire for something that doesn’t seem possible. Is my desire an expectation that I had placed on myself when I was younger- the desire to be a stay at home Mom until my kids started school, and then to get a job where I was home by the time they got home? Or is this something more? I know you wired me to be a Mom. I have many friends that are depleting savings accounts, moving into smaller homes, and cutting back to the essentials. Even then, normally one parent works 2 jobs and the other is at home all the time. I don’t want that God. I want Scooby Doo & I both to be a part of our kids’ lives. Why can’t I stay at home during the day, and Scooby Doo go to work, and then we come home and have the weekends and nights together?
I’ve thought about going back to school to get my credential, and I’m sure I would love it but all of my nagging fears and insecurities come back: I barley passed the CBEST, which is supposed to be a breeze to pass, I don’t feel very smart (I wasn’t an A/B student because I was smart… I worked my tush off to get a B-), I wonder if I put my family through the debt of another program and me being unavailable (even if it was a night program) if I would change my mind in 2 years like I do every other job. I couldn’t put my family through that. I couldn’t put myself through that embarrassment of switching careers again, even though I know that’s how God made me darn it! I hate it! I always wanted to be the woman who was recognized for working in a career for 60 years and then retiring. Being the old Grandma of the place. God distinctly told me on a missions trip in High School, 007, you will not be that girl. I have given you an adventurous spirit and you will work in many different fields doing different things. Take heart, I have made you this way.
I know that at the end of September I will have worked at WJU for one year, and I will be eligiable for free tuition. I’ve thought about doing the teaching credential program. Why not? I don’t know how I would do the second semester (student teaching) while working. And I would want to get my single subject, so I would need to take a class or two at Sac State since WJU only offers multiple subject. I know I would love it. But God -
God I’m not taking heart.
I want to LOVE my job to where it fills me up at the end of the day. Scooby Doo & I agree that I don’t think that is ever possible. It’s not negative- it’s just a matter of fact that your job isn’t supposed to be the only thing to bring you joy. I guess I just expected to fall into a career, and LOVE it, then come home and LOVE it, and just LOVE everything. The idea of working at the same place, going to work everyday Monday through Friday, 8-5, until you die- YUCK! Why can everybody do this but me! Why does no one else have as a hard of a time? Why can’t I find a career that just fits, that I’m good at, that pays well, that allows me to be the Mom I want to be? Woe is me.
Okay. Done feeling sorry for myself. Just wanting to be at home with my kids. And I want to raise my kids with my husband because he is an amazing man that I NEED my kids to learn from and be around. Even if I were to get my credential, then the next five years when I was at home with the kids, how would we make ends meet? It’d be a great job to have (being a teacher) once the kids were in school. But do I just pray Lord that you take this desire to be with my kids in the beginning away? I know we’re young- we’ve had so many people tell us this. But I feel like so much of the future is already decided by natural selection.