Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I have an itch. (as I bite my tongue)

I’ve always wanted to use my brain. Some people felt that by majoring in Bible & Theology and attending a small Christian University, I wasn’t opening the doors for a lot of other opportunities. The truth is, I don’t think I really was. To those who asked, I told people that I studied what interested me. Youth ministry interested me. Studying Biblical texts, history, sociology, human behavior, organizing youth trips, missions, teaching – these are the things that interested me when I was a 17-year-old freshman in college. Eight years later, I still love all of those things. But I like other things too. I’m interested in math and science. I love making graphs and studying numbers. I’m fascinated by science, and how two seemingly calm and docile chemicals can create something outwardly magical and exquisitely interesting.

 
I’d consider myself a smart person. I’m not your average over-the-top, off-the-charts intelligent. I didn’t score that well on my SATs. I graduated with A’s and B’s in college, and with honors, but I’ve never had a 4.0. I absolutely loved school and studying, and I still do. Having the chance to succeed at something academically, that I was interested in- hear me roar! I always wanted a career that I could use my brain and my heart. Normally a lot of people-oriented careers tap into a person’s extroverted personality, wit, humor, or flexibility. Most task-oriented careers are data-focused, analytically-driven, and more introverted positions. I envision a career that is analyzing matters of the heart. I love the art of mixing science and intelligence with human thought and behavior.
 

I’m an introvert who is smart. I love people, but I prefer to be alone. Unless I want to be with people. Then I will stop at nothing to find someone who is breathing to hang out with. I get giddy over organizing data, but I was scared to take calculus in high school. I dreaded studying rocks in college, but my Geology class at the local Junior College ended up being one of my favorites. I always wanted to be a teacher. Then I promised God and myself I would obey what I thought was His Call, and go into Ministry someone- either with youth, somehow missions oriented, outdoors… I never had it all figured out, but I figured I would just keep walking and God would direct my path. After all, that’s what faith is, right?

 
The last few days, I was skimming over the requirements for an FBI or CIA applicant. Most of the analytical positions, which to me – would seemingly merge the head and the heart, require far more of an education than what I have. But something about working in intelligence intrigues me. You’re obviously doing something that matters. It seems like that would be an example of an organization that would require you to work with all of your brain, in order to protect people, which would hit – or affect- matters of the heart. But most of the positions are based on the east coast, or you have to be able to be mobile- and move when they say. Neither appeals to me.

 
I love my job. I work with some grumpy people here and there on the phones, but they mean well – they’re just in pain and frustrated. I have the best co-workers in the universe. They’re funny, quirky, and overwhelmingly dynamic. They are sarcastic, wise, witty, and team-oriented. They work as a unit, which is rare in today’s common-place “who’s on top” marketplace.

 
I wonder what type of activity I could indulge in that would magnetize these two, seemingly polar interests that I have. Matters of the heart and of the head.

 
Scooby Doo and I were talking a few weeks back about what kind of activity that would look like. In the past, I always thought it had to be my career. It is just recently that I’m starting to accept the idea that it might not be all in one place. Maybe I work somewhere analytical, and take up a hobby that is about “heart” matters. Or perhaps the opposite. I don’t want to keep switching jobs looking for it, because right now I’m working in a job that I’m really enjoying- but I still feel this desire in me for more. Not something career-wise more, but just… more. But how in the heck am I supposed to do more when I barley have the energy to do what’s in my lap? With two babies- ages 1 and 2, who on this beautiful God-sculpted Earth would be looking for more? I’m stinking exhausted! But I want more. I’ve considered that what I’m feeling is a lack of contentness. That’s not it. I’m quite content with what I have. Fiercly so. I am more blessed than 100% of the people I meet. I feel strong, steady, and grounded.
 
 
But I feel like God created me for more than this.
 
 
What is supposed to fill it? I have the perfect family, 2.5 kids (if you count Walter), a beautiful home next to a park, an amazingly gorgeous husband who has and will put his everything into our marriage to ensure our family-unit is protected, a great well-paying and satisfying job... Why has God put this itchy, annoying, tantalizing, temptation in my mind for something more?