Saturday, December 8, 2012


The line between contentment and ambitiousness is a fine one.

I've never been good at balance. I'm an all or nothing person. I have almost always considered this a bad trait, until talking to a coworker yesterday. She said that she was the same way. And then she said something that made me speechless. I might have felt a tear yearning to break free- but I did not let it.

She said:
When I get an idea in my head, its (forms her hands over her eyes, creating a tunnel) all I can think about, and it drives my husband CRAZY!

I'm not alone! There are others like me! :0

She said it was a good thing because it helped us decide whether or not it was worth our time. We would find out everything there was to know, ask tons of questions, throwing ourselves into a focused silo of energy. Once we know everything we need to know, then we can decide if we want to pursue it completely, or not at all.

I liked that. It makes me feel less crazy. Because it's true. I'm so a silo-starving girl who loves to explore, exploit, and uncover anything there is to know about a certain venture/sport/job opportunity/diet/major/project/parenting-style/mood-disorder/gardening overhaul/relationship. I do give all or nothing. This should be a good thing, for those who I'm involved with. Because I do give all of myself. I avoid at all costs, being 1/2 present at anything I choose to pursue. Because I've pursued it with everything I have. My Dad would always say that he "sees those wheels turning". Whenever I get a new idea in my head, I want to know everything there is about it. Is it an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, or something that will come again? What are the risks, benefits, and rewards? Who will be affected? And how much? Good or bad? What will change? What will our lives look like in five years, ten years, if I make this choice? How is my family affected? Will I like it, or do I just like it because of XYZ (the money, the title, the "look").

Maybe someday when I'm wise and old (and basically dead) I'll be able to discern those opportunities quicker than I currently can, and I won't need to ask a bazillion and one questions to see if its right for me. Maybe I'll be so in-tune to who I am and what God wants for me that I'll just know. I've always thought discernment was one of my gifts. Now I just wonder if I've misused discernment as a synonym to curiosity, tenacity, and stubbornness.

Regardless - just learning more about myself and writing it down. I'm sure someday, probably sooner rather than later, I'll question why I am the way I am- and then I'll look back and read this, and realize I've always been like this. It's how I'm wired. It's how God made me. And I'm glad I'm me.