I almost called you on my lunch break today. I must be out of if considering you've been gone for what- 3 years now? 4? And to think I only knew you for less than double that. weird. I wanted to give you an update. But I felt silly talking to you in my head, and I heard you tell me it was silly too. So I'm blogging it, to share with the living, and the dead? (weird.)
I do believe that people who have passed on before us are in our lives - intricately intertwined in our daily happenings. Maybe they choose who to be with, maybe they get to choose when, but I figure most of the time they're too happy in heaven. I wish I could smell my Great-Grandmother, feel her hugs. Get an awkward I'm-a-youth-pastor-so-I-can't-give-you-a-real-hug side hug from Ed, see his smile. Meet ScobbyDoo's Grandpa, and see him in his prime. Hear a story from him about their family, "the good ol' days", and get a peek into what he was like. See Tom. Tell him he's an idiot, and that I wish he was still here. See Uncle Harry- his wrinkly skin and weird smell. Feel his arms around me and thank him for working so long on that school project in junior high, where I had to build a model airplane. He was so patient. See Tasha. Sing her just one more song while laying next to her on the floor, petting her gently. Meet the little boy Evan who died on the playground about 2 years back and give him a hug for his mom. See my elementary school crush's dad who past away from brain cancer when I was in 5th grade. He always wanted me to marry his son, and Paula Dean (my sister) was supposed to marry his other son. And we were to have a double wedding. I remember sitting on the hammock with that boy, swinging and wondering and dreaming. We'd giggle and watch Paula Dean and his brother flirt- whispering sweet secrets to one another, but looking back they were probably just whispering about us. See Grandpa "Ugly", and let Grandma pretty hold his hand again. Sit with Bob. Reflect on his life and gain again from his wisdom. Play catch with Andrew. See what it's like for him to run and laugh and play like I always imagined he wanted to.
I wonder if you could talk from the grave what you would say. Probably the same thing you said when you were living. You had a crazy good perspective on life. You knew what your priorities were, and focused intently on keeping them in line. I'm wondering if I can tell my life where to go. Okay- so no, I can't. But I think I need to set a direction. Is that a bad thing? I think I could spend my whole life wondering and exploring, it's something God put in my heart, you say. Ya, but its causing me trouble. I can't hold a job for more than 2 years because I get too bored, and grass is always greener on the other side. Granted, it has continued to get better and better with each change. So that's a good thing. God was, and is, looking out for me. Plus ScoobyDoo- I want to be consistent and steady for him; for our family. Regardless of the fact I'm in my 20s, I'm a mom, and a wife, with a mortgage, and two little mouths to feed and two little minds to be an example for. I want to be consistent, focused, and present.
So how unrealistic is it just to make a choice? I made a list forever ago of all the careers I could pursue, hobbies I could pick up. The list keeps going in my head, and I think part of what makes me me, is having a heart that desires. That is an adjective that describes me. I desire. This does NOT mean that I am not content. God has blessed me with the most amazing husband in the world, and two stunning and beautiful kids with the most precious hearts. I don't deserve them in the slightest. But because God did give them to me, I want to treat them more precious than gold or silver, more rare than something extinct, more precious than something sacred, with more attention than something life-threatening.
So I think I want to make a plan. Let's brain storm. And we'll make it with the full disclosure and knowledge that God might move it, change it, trash it, etc etc - but we'll make it anyway because God gave me these desires in my heart, and I believe we're not supposed to wait around waiting for God to say take 2 steps left, 1 step right, now 1/2 a step back. God gave us free will to make decisions, be victorious, be sinners, be followers! I CHOOSE! I choose to FOLLOW God, but I also choose to be a key part in deciding what my future will entail.
Hence the plan
I believe this deserves its own blog post - so that will be separate.